Five Ideas to Save the Labour Party

mary barbour and alex

  • Labour should drop the drawbridge between Oxbridge and the House of Commons and allow its putative MPs to mingle with the common herd. The thaumaturgic touch may heal the collective illusion of knowing what they’re doing.
  • The third world war has begun – it’s called global warning. Labour should stop the Panda watch at Edinburgh zoo which costs hundreds of thousands of pounds and subsidises the Chinese economy. We should import polar bears. A cheaper option and we wouldn’t need to turn the heating on, adding to species diversity and contributing to a decline in global warming.
  • Ban boredom. We are producing the wrong kind of children. Mainly poor and uneducated. Each child should be issued with an abacus. This low-tech approach would be cheap, help with abc and basic numeracy.
  • We need more statues not statutes. A statue of Mary Barbour, for example, who helped lead the rent strikes during World War One against avaricious landlords cashing in on a dearth of housing was supported by Alex Ferguson and would have international appeal.
  • Equity swaps. We could re-brand the Southern General Hospital, a public investment of around £850 million, and call it the Queen Elizabeth University Hospital and maybe Her Majesty would allow some sick children a wee trip on the Royal Yacht doon the water on the boat built for her also by public funds.

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