Aye, I can hear you thinking. What’s he reading that shite for? Well, as you probably know I’ve been trying to sell my book Lily Poole to the unsuspecting public. For two years I’ve been making promises and telling enough lies to become the next Tory Prime Minister. Well, that wasn’t to be, but I did get a lot of support from a couple of homeless folk that I bribed with a bottle of Eldorado and the promise of enough cheap wine to float off to Renfrew without the ferry. But my book Lily Poole has hatched and with a drunken wobble in it legs is making its way into the big bad world. The problem here is, as the asshole author, I can no longer hide behind the written word and need to come down from my penthouse garrett and mingle with the common people. In other words I need to stand in front of an audience, with an adult-sized incontinence pad and not smell of keech and say something faintly amusing. You can see why I wanted to TALK LIKE TED.
I don’t really want to talk like TED, I want TED to step in and say, don’t worry about it old China, I’ll do all the talking for you. More to the point, in words of my old man DES, ‘away you and hide yourself’.
Ok, I’m on to a hiding. ‘Ideas Are the Currency of the Twenty-first Century’.
‘We’re all in sales now.’
‘Unleash the Master Within.’
‘What makes your heart sing?’
‘The New Science of Passion and Persuasion.’
‘Your Brain Never Stops Growing.’
‘Master the Art of Storytelling.’
‘Stories are just Data with a Soul.’
‘Three Simple, Effective Types of Story.’ (i) Personal (ii) About other people (iii) That Nurture (not undermine) Creativity
‘Give me one character I can root for.’
‘Have a Conversation.’
‘Rehearse. Rehearse. Rehearse.’
‘Talk, Walk and Look like a Leader.’
‘Fake it till you make it.’
‘Teach Me Something New.’
‘Explore Outside Your Field.’
‘Successful Presentation Reveal Something You’ve Never Considered.’
‘Deliver Jaw-Dropping Moments’ (thou shalt not deliver the usual shite).
‘Create a Holy Smokes Moment.’
‘End on a high note.’
‘The Brain Loves Humour as the cock loves talking fanny.’
‘Stick to the 18-Minute Rule.’
‘Listening is Draining.’
‘The Brain is an Energy Hog.’
Three story structure
Paint a Mental Picture (cheers pal) with Multisensory Experiences and two cans of Stella.
‘Multitasking is a Myth.’
‘Stay in your Lane.’ (Don’t think of work as work and play as play. It’s all living in the same way a good boot in the balls in a good boot in the balls).
‘You can learn from others’ (ouch).
I’ve slightly modified some of the TED advice to DES advice so it makes more sense this side of the Atlantic. Truth is keeching myself about standing in front of an audience and mumble-speaking. Back to my garret to practice booing folk.