Conundrum? Andy Rat asked if Callum McGregor had scored with that defensive header from the edge of the box, one of Rangers’ best attempts on goal, if that had been an own-goal, would I have got my double up of 4—1 Celtic, and McGregor to score the last goal?
Pat phoned to ask Stevie if he got his line up? Stevie always puts 4—0 on against Rangers. A hangover from the Brendan Rodgers’s era (remember him?) Stevie did.
But for all the other losers out there, just answer these questions honestly (Yes, No, or Don’t Know) Gio can help.
Do have difficulty falling asleep at night?
Check for any that might apply to you.
Nightmares? (Jon McLaughin, nutmegged and a pass straight to David Turnbull for the fourth).
Tossing/Turning? Where is Liel Abada? Oops. Jota too.
Frequent Wanking. The overweight £40 million El Bullio came on to save the game.
How often do you feel tired and run down.
All of the time? (Steve Davis)
Occasionally, when I can be bothered? (£30 million, Ryan Kent)
Rarely? Glen Kamara. Taken off at half-time, because they couldn’t take Ryan Kent off.
In the last six months have you gained or lost of a lot of weight (not due to dieting)?
Yes? El Buffalo.
No? Gio. Everything is fine. Absolutely fine. We’ve made the Champions League, after all. We’re five points behind, but Celtic were in a similar stage last season when they had outstanding players like a Crystal Palace substitute, a slow-pony who went to small-time Brentford to raise his game to substitute level and Ryan Christie who went to live on the coast. They never stopped.
Has your sex drive become seriously diminished?
Yes? I live in Australia now. Women think I’m a strange-looking guy, but I used to be a Celtic regular before AP (Ange Postecoglou). I was framed for sexting. Really, it wasn’t my fault.
No? El Buffalo because nobody in Australia offered £40 million for my stud services.
It fluctuates? Like Boris Barsic tracking Liel Abada’s run, it all ends in tears.
Has a parent of sibling been diagnosed with a serious depressive disorder?
Yes? My father (Kris Boyd senior) was given to parental rages, but sometimes it went the other way when we lost.
No? Gio senior, everything was just fine. The cup is half fool. The treble is still on.
Do you feel that your life is not worth living?
Yes? Two thousand Rangers fans penned in at Paradise at 10am and we were made to wait until Gio and our heroes had left the ground.
No? But Gio did wave at us before he left Paradise. He showed solidarity, which is important. Those fans that burned their strips were trying out new heat-saving alternatives to turning the fire on at home. But we would never burn a Union Jack no matter how many kilowatts it generated.
How would you rate your daily rates of stress or anxiety?
High? I make tackles like that every day? Kyogo was faking it.
Medium? I brought down substitute Maeda because he was too fast and too good for me, not because I was angry about being 4—0 down and getting absolutely horsed again.
Low? If Joe Hart presents me with a ball inside the Celtic box, I’m a Scottish international, but substitute for one of the lesser teams in Glasgow, but I know I’ve got to keep it low, but I put it over the bar because I knew a foul would have been giving against me, and for a change it wasn’t for kicking anybody.
Do you experience any delusions or hallucinations?
No? You sure?
Does your mood take a turn for the worse as winter approaches?
Yes? We’re usually top of the league, but now we’re five points behind. Their run will last till Christmas.
No? We were written off in nine out of ten seasons. As winter approached Neil Lennon brought in Barkas. It can happen again. Just look at that Greek international keeper, McLaughlin.
Are you in a relationship?
Yes? Rangers until I die, or get my contract terminated with a massive pay-out of other people’s money.
No? I’m on a rolling contract, yet another Scottish internationalist, and I signed from Hearts for days like this.
Do you ‘put on a happy face’ to hide feelings of sadness?
Yes? Kris Boyd. I’ve got to be honest, Celtic were the better team and fully deserved their victory, but if Alan McGregor was in goals, he’d have saved those three shots on goal, wouldn’t have passed to Turnbull, and we’d have got a penalty, which was long overdue. No, Abada fell over in the box, that wasn’t a real penalty. I’m happy to say I’m unhappy about the performance and everything to do with Celtic, but I would say they were lucky to have caught Rangers on an off day. On another day, I’m far more happy, and happy to admit, we the people can do better.
No? Gio. Everything’s fine. Honest. Fine.
Do you have trouble concentrating or remembering things?
Yes? Boris Barisic. Where is Liel Abada?
No? Oh, no, that’s the fourth. I forgot what the score was and I’m the captain. 4—0. I didn’t even get to take a penalty. I did get a total doing by that wee Portuguese fella, George Michael, who had me by the balls.
Total your score. And decide whether and when you will have a trophy-less season, again? You might need to make another marque signing that can take a penalty.